Katie has been at the Institute for Attachment for almost four months now. She has been learning about herself in a very safe and controlled environment in a family setting with trained therapeutic parents. I travel to Denver every week to have family therapy with her and it has felt like two steps forward, one step back, or maybe even five steps back, some weeks. To be honest, I am growing weary with the effort and the traveling and have begun to wonder, if she will ever really heal and be able to be a loving family member, who contributes to the family, instead of trying to hurt us and get revenge on us for being happy and loving. Last week, though, was different and I thought I would record some of what I remember from last week's session. We were doing some EMDR with vibrators in her pockets and I was holding her in my lap, and she was looking up into my eyes, like a young child, and it is possible that she has turned a corner.
She had genuine remorse and cried and apologized for something she had done and I told her, I forgive you. Then she cried even more and said, "But you've had to forgive me for so many things, already." "That is my choice. I choose to forgive you. Do you know why I forgive you?" "Because you...love me?" "Yes. I choose to love you, no matter what and to forgive you." I told her about some things when she first came home and she said she didn't want to think or hear about any of that because she was just bad and wants to forget the past and only go forward.
"But you did some good things in the past. Do you remember when Carl ran behind the car that was backing out? What happened?" "I ran and pulled him out of the way." "Yes! You saved his life!" "I guess I did." "What were you thinking when you did that?" "I don't know, I just didn't want him to get hurt." "Because you...love him?" "Yes." "So because you love him, you didn't think, you just ran out behind the car and saved him?" "I guess so. I did." "If you got hurt, or even died, would that be his fault?" "No. It was kinda my choice." "It was your choice, because you loved him.....just like it was your Grandma's choice to run out in the road and save your life." "ummhmmm." "Carl was just little and little kids are impulsive, and they run, and grownups and big people protect them, from themselves....we choose to love them and to forgive them....Was it your fault that Grandma died?" "No. It was her choice. Because she loved me." 'Yes. It was her choice, because she loved you."
Then we talked about how sad I have been feeling because many people have told me I may have to give her up, if she doesn't choose to heal and to love us...She started crying and said she didn't want to let go of us either. I said I was so sorry for the things that had happened to her and did she know what I would have done if someone left my little girl on a bus, "Adopt me?" "If someone left my little girl on a bus, I would search and search and move heaven and earth till I found you....I'd never stop looking." "For me?" "For you." We were both crying. She said, "I love you, Mommy."
It was extra-ordinary. It's the first time we have really had emotional matching...the two of us feeling the same emotion....I have had to teach myself not to feel angry, no matter what she did and this was more like normal mother child emotional sharing and matching. I've never had that with her before. She has had a good week and when hurt, instead of planning revenge, she has talked with a grown up about her feelings and has apologized.
So....it was rather extraordinary and we had an incredible session!
Laurie
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