Moving Heaven and Earth to find you....

Katie has been at the Institute for Attachment for almost four months now. She has been learning about herself in a very safe and controlled environment in a family setting with trained therapeutic parents. I travel to Denver every week to have family therapy with her and it has felt like two steps forward, one step back, or maybe even five steps back, some weeks. To be honest, I am growing weary with the effort and the traveling and have begun to wonder, if she will ever really heal and be able to be a loving family member, who contributes to the family, instead of trying to hurt us and get revenge on us for being happy and loving. Last week, though, was different and I thought I would record some of what I remember from last week's session. We were doing some EMDR with vibrators in her pockets and I was holding her in my lap, and she was looking up into my eyes, like a young child, and it is possible that she has turned a corner.

She had genuine remorse and cried and apologized for something she had done and I told her, I forgive you. Then she cried even more and said, "But you've had to forgive me for so many things, already." "That is my choice. I choose to forgive you. Do you know why I forgive you?" "Because you...love me?" "Yes. I choose to love you, no matter what and to forgive you." I told her about some things when she first came home and she said she didn't want to think or hear about any of that because she was just bad and wants to forget the past and only go forward.

 "But you did some good things in the past. Do you remember when Carl ran behind the car that was backing out? What happened?" "I ran and pulled him out of the way." "Yes! You saved his life!" "I guess I did." "What were you thinking when you did that?" "I don't know, I just didn't want him to get hurt." "Because you...love him?" "Yes." "So because you love him, you didn't think, you just ran out behind the car and saved him?" "I guess so. I did." "If you got hurt, or even died, would that be his fault?" "No. It was kinda my choice." "It was your choice, because you loved him.....just like it was your Grandma's choice to run out in the road and save your life." "ummhmmm." "Carl was just little and little kids are impulsive, and they run, and grownups and big people protect them, from themselves....we choose to love them and to forgive them....Was it your fault that Grandma died?" "No. It was her choice. Because she loved me." 'Yes. It was her choice, because she loved you."

Then we talked about how sad I have been feeling because many people have told me I may have to give her up, if she doesn't choose to heal and to love us...She started crying and said she didn't want to let go of us either. I said I was so sorry for the things that had happened to her and did she know what I would have done if someone left my little girl on a bus, "Adopt me?" "If someone left my little girl on a bus, I would search and search and move heaven and earth till I found you....I'd never stop looking." "For me?" "For you." We were both crying. She said, "I love you, Mommy." 

It was extra-ordinary. It's the first time we have really had emotional matching...the two of us feeling the same emotion....I have had to teach myself not to feel angry, no matter what she did and this was more like normal mother child emotional sharing and matching. I've never had that with her before. She has had a good week and when hurt, instead of planning revenge, she has talked with a grown up about her feelings and has apologized. 

So....it was rather extraordinary and we had an incredible session! 

Laurie

Count your Blessings and Give Thanks!

God is so very very good! His blessings abound, if we will just trust Him and refocus our eyes on Him, instead of on the darkness that is getting so much publicity these days. Many will say we are living in dark times, but even so, I believe we are living in miraculous times and that God is surely on the move and doing mighty miracles in the lives of His people! The fire may be hot, but it doesn't mean that we have to be burned. I try every morning to continue to thank God for the big and small miracles of our lives. So here are some of the big miracles where God preserved our lives, proving again and again, that He is FAITHFUL!

Twice, in college, I was pursued by predators, who meant me harm. Both times, the Lord alerted me to the danger and helped me to safety. One time, I was walking to my bus stop, and a man was following me and tried to get me into his car. When unsuccessful, he left, rounded the block and again tried to cut me off, as I crossed the street. I found a store and stayed there till I felt safe. Another time, a man was following me home from the bus. I realized I should not go straight to our apartment, but again found a store with people in it, where I waited, till I felt it was safe to go home. The Lord protected me!

I guess my greatest fear was that our children would be hurt and injured by someone intending them harm. I've always known that the Lord loves them even more than I do and have tried to remind myself that they are in His loving arms, when they are far from me. It is my job to pray, at His prompting, for their protection and that He will send angels to watch over them. I understand that many people do not believe that evil exists, even as they may "sort of'" believe in God. I am all too familiar with the face of evil and know that there is a battle in progress, and we are often the targets in this intense, bitter war, going on in the heavenly places and here on earth. We've had our share of brushes with evil and I remind myself to pray for the children, because our God is ABLE and so much GREATER!


In high school, when Kelly got her first car, the first day she drove it to school, something really strange happened. The inside and outside of her car were covered in moisture. She got a towel and washed off the outside, leaving very early in the morning to catch her bus, but she found that the inside was just as drenched with water, as she turned right from our cul-de-sac, and was blinded when the early morning sun hit the water. She was frantically trying to wipe the inside of the front windshield, pulling over and hit two big rocks and then found that she had also hit a dog, and the knee of a man, as he was walking the dog. The dog had minor injuries and the man was fine, but very shaken up, as was Kelly. The police who came were baffled, as all the cars in the driveways were dry......all except Kelly's, which had been soaked inside and out. Our other car in the driveway at home was also clear. So very strange. God thank you for protecting Kelly and for protecting the man and his dog. Our lives are in Your hands!

When Kelly went off to college in Charleston, she had three major life threatening events during that time. In all three, the Lord preserved her and sent her loving help and care. One day, I was prompted to urgently pray for the safety of both our girls in college, and for the Lord to send them protectors. I eventually got a midnight phone call from Kelly. She was held up at gun point, on a very rare, snowy evening in Charleston (see earlier blog posts). She had two police officers offer her a ride home from the library, but declined and then was robbed in the last block from her dorm. The assailant had a gun in her face, but only wanted her book bag. He was caught by another officer, before her alert call even went out to the officers on duty! She was calm, composed and unharmed and I believe God used that incident for good, for her and for her assailant.

On another occasion, she developed a pilonidal cyst, that became so infected that it was the size of her hand. It went misdiagnosed, during several trips to the ER, until she passed out in pain and her friends were able to get her to a doctor who performed emergent surgery, preventing her from becoming septic from the infection. My older sister, Gerri, had had a similar cyst in college and thankfully lives about 20 minutes from campus. She took her to her home and nursed her and changed her packing till she was well enough to go back to school. God had my child covered!

The last incident is another scary one. Kelly was riding home from work on her moped, in sandals and a little sun dress, during rush hour traffic. A young woman in a car turning right, did not see her and Kelly tried to swerve to avoid impact, but was unsuccessful. Her moped was dragged under the car for about 30 feet. She remembers flying, seeing the asphalt upside down, by her head, and landing out of the traffic up on the side walk, fifteen or twenty feet away.  She had no helmet on and landed on her head and then her foot and side. An off duty paramedic saw the incident and believed that she must be dead. But Kelly sat up screaming and her only injuries were a scalp wound, missing flesh on her hip and injuries to the foot and ankle. No broken bones, no head injury, no paralysis, no PTSD, and a paramedic on hand immediately to render aide. She was back in school in a week and graduated a month later. Researching this type of accident, in Charleston, I saw that they were normally fatal. I couldn't find any where the person survived without paralysis.


It reminds me of what we heard that winter from the men who rescued my mom, after her car went over a 65 foot cliff, here on eight mile road, on black ice.  "This isn't the way it usually goes." "This isn't what we normally find!" A car un-crushed and a person alive! God is so very good!  My mom had prayed, as she was going down, "Help me Jesus! I'm not ready to go yet!" I told her that she must have had four fat angels hanging on to each side of the car, keeping it from flipping, keeping the wheels on the ground! Looking back over our life, I am beginning to realize how many times we have heard, from medical personnel or first responders, "This isn't the way it usually happens. This isn't what we normally find!"

One last story, although, I know there are more...This story is about our Caleb. He had his bone graft the month before Robert was to go to Lubbock to begin his new job, and Caleb developed an infection. Clindamycin was prescribed and he began to have a confusing round of symptoms and visits to the doctor that were somewhat baffling. After his second week home, he was no better and was in extreme pain. Robert was in Colorado briefly, to have his going away reception at St. Mary Corwin Hospital and that Wednesday Caleb cried to me, "No one understands....even YOU don't understand, Mommy!" That really got my attention! He had slept a strange sleep that day...it wasn't right....and I was so afraid we were losing him. He attempted to eat dinner with us, but immediately threw it up. Finally, I asked Robert to please, examine him. Caleb's back was so painful, you couldn't even touch it. Robert told me to pack a bag for Caleb and that they were headed to the ER. As he went to get his keys, I knelt in front of Caleb, holding his hands, and we prayed. I told the Lord that Caleb, HIS CHILD, was sick and that I was trusting Him to do what was needed! The Lord gave me a sense of peace and relief and I knew that everything was going to be alright! Robert texted that Caleb was in acute bi-lateral kidney failure. They were going to try to hydrate him. Kelly came to be with the other kids and I packed a bag for myself.

When I arrived, Caleb was in a dark corner room, no one with him, still and looking like he had passed away. I was upset. Why was no one with him? They explained that they were just waiting for me, and he was sedated on morphine...paramedics were standing by to transport us both to Denver Children's Hospital to start dialysis. The hospitalist explained to me that his gut told him that Caleb would survive, but we needed to go now and not wait til morning. We arrived at 3 a.m. and as we got out of the ambulance, one of the big burly guys in back cried out, "We've got pee!" It was blood red. We bypassed Emergency and went straight to the PICU. About 10 people were standing by to begin work on Caleb.

I told them, "It's going to be alright! We've got pee!" They looked at me in disbelief and gradually all but a couple wondered away. They began giving Caleb more hydration and meds to bind up the toxins that had been accumulating in his body. Very very quickly his kidneys began to recover at a rapid rate. The nephrologist and the urologist puzzled to find the cause of the bi-lateral kidney failure. In the end, it looks like he had all three possible causes of kidney failure simultaneously. He was dehydrated, had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic for his bone graft site, and he developed a blockage below the kidneys. The normal routine with his diagnosis would have been 7 to 10 weeks of kidney dialysis. By 6 pm Thursday, he was well enough to be transported to a normal floor. He was discharged Saturday morning, off of pain meds and looking like a person who had been reborn! The doctors and nurses kept saying, "You do realize this is not what normally happens..."

Babies like Dillon are often in the hospital for two or three months, he came home after ten days. Thank you, Lord! Accidents like Kelly's are usually fatal, victims of violent crime are rarely as clear headed, they are rarely as unharmed, the assailant is rarely captured so quickly, infections like her's often result in an infection of the blood stream which can be fatal...People rarely survive a 65 foot drop, the car usually rolls head over heals....a child whose mom is so ill at birth, usually has attachment issues....children abused, usually choose abusive spouses....paralysis usually isn't temporary, young children usually can't be with friends who are dying, they can't understand it. Separations under stress like this, usually result in divorce. People usually blame their spouses and focus on what that person did wrong instead of what they did and usually are unable to forgive or trust again. We usually fall prey to fear and pain and destruction and the forces of evil usually overcome our frail bodies, minds and will. That is the wisdom of the world....what usually happens...

But does it have to?  As God's children, we are no better, not special people, but we do trust in the Lord, and He is our father. So we are called to keep our hearts open to hear Him and to entrust our lives to Him...in the good times and the bad times, and to thank Him every day for the miracles, large and small of creation. Because GOD is ALWAYS good and ALWAYS greater. I have come to know that He is ALWAYS faithful, so He USUALLY surprises everyone!  Frankly, that delights me! It amazes and tickles me! It brings me such great JOY, to serve such a loving and MIGHTY GOD!

Going out on a Limb

Sometimes we are inspired to do the impossible, to go out on a limb for what we believe, for who we love. For me, those are the times where I have to let go of what I thought or expected my life would be like. I throw myself on the mercy of God and trust in His love for me and for those I love. I bare-facedly admit that He is in control and I am not. My job is to pray and believe and trust....to get ready to accept the miracles that He is doing for me, for my family and for the people that are so dear to me. Because really...in the end, we do have a very Good, Good Father and His son, Jesus... loves us beyond measure......to the point of death and beyond that to NEW LIFE. The times where we are blessed to SEE Him and experience Him are HOLY and inevitably seem to be times of great change and healing. Looking back...I can also see they are times where LOVE floods in and that is why the healing happens, on this side of life, or in the next!

I am going to try to chronicle the miracles God has done in my life, and the life of my family, although, I know I will miss so many! God is so very, very, very, very good!

1961 I am born and though my mother is sick, God gives me her best friend Maxine, who names me and cares for me as a babe and shows me what LOVE and DELIGHT feel like! I have them solidly planted deep in my heart and soul and I feel safe and cherished in the world. There is no fear.

1965  While attempting to fly down the stairs, I fall and hit the base of my skull. I am hospitalized and have convulsions, a concussion. At some point, maybe during the convulsions, I don't know, I slip away. I am with Jesus, who looks into my soul with the most loving and earnest gaze. He reviews my little life with me and tells me I will need to be kinder to my brother. I am so happy to be with Him, but He tells me I have to go back. I can't feel or move anything on one side, as the doctor pricks me, going down my body with a sharp instrument. There is no fear. I think the hospital is a good place.   After ten days in the hospital, I am released and able to walk and feel again! I don't remember that I was paralyzed on one side.

1969   My best friend, Dory is dying of leukemia. The miracle is that she and I are at peace. We have each other and we trust completely in God. There is NO FEAR.  Perfect love casts out all fear. Later, I believe I am going to heaven to play with her again, and my mom catches me as I head out the door, sleep walking. I am disappointed. "I almost made it!" I think, and I wonder what would have happened if she hadn't stopped me.



1971   God protects me and helps me say, "NO" and prevents further harm to come my way. During that time, Jesus takes me away during painful experiences, and I am spared the memories for many years. When I am away, I am with Him in a place that is completely white and there is no pain.

1976 I wake twice, late in t
he night, to a brightness and a gentle wind filling my room. Jesus is with me! I feel Him first, then I see Him! There is no fear, but there is great LOVE!  Each time, I get out of bed. I go to Him...then He is gone and I fall back to sleep.  I wonder if I did something wrong, by trying to touch Him. As the days go by, though, I am so happy! Like the apostles, He has appeared to me, too! Later, when my faith is challenged, I know deep inside, that I can not really deny Him. Because I KNOW Him and have seen Him with my own eyes! Perhaps, I need that...for my faith to stay strong, and God, knowing me and the battles I will face, gives me that grace, so I will not fall away permanently.

1978   At a retreat in New Orleans, I meet an old woman dressed as a nun, who has a goodness that is beyond human. There is no wavering, or double wills in her. She serves God completely and speaks to a deep need inside my heart. I can't remember what she said, but it is clear that she is angelic and just being close to the brightness of God in her, quenches the sadness and the thirst inside me. When she has to leave, I try to get her to stay a little longer, but she has to go speak to another young person. I ask, "How long have you been doing this?" "Oh...for thousands of years," she smiles. Later, I feel at peace and confident in some new way, as I sit there alone, waiting for the retreat to begin.

1981  After starting college, and some shaming experiences, I hit rock bottom. I have turned away from God and am wounded and crying. In despair, I pray, "Jesus, if you exist, please help me. I am no good at guiding my life. Please...You do it. I give myself to you." Peace and healing flood into my heart and my life. In church, I feel the urge to speak in tongues. I begin to date Robert and my life shifts and changes in God powered ways. The day I get my engagement ring, I am waiting for the bus, and time freezes. The busy street becomes silent and a Jamaican dread locked man speaks to me. He knows Robert and I by name and knows things that are happening between us, and I sense disapproval. He asks to see the ring and then he says, pointing, "You two are not supposed to be like them..."Then in slow motion a black limousine drives by. A man and a woman sit in the back seat, cold, wealthy, not speaking. After that, sounds come back, cars drive by again and my bus arrives. We both board and I look over to where he had been holding a pole to steady himself, as the bus surges forward. He is gone.

1983 I marry Robert, whose love heals me in ways that only such a patient, generous and kind love can. I completely trust him and believe he will always love me, "No matter what." That gives me a peace and a courage, that I can't explain. We head into life in an old car with a rusted out trunk, named, "Leroy." There is no fear, but only great hope and joy.


1989 After losing three babies to miscarriage, Kelly is born in one of the holiest, most miraculous experiences of my life. Robert
kneels by my side, hand on my forehead as waves pass over me, gently lapping.  Her's is a peaceful, gentle birth. The mid-wife swears she hears music, but there was none....We forgot the cassette player. God takes any intense pain and there is NO FEAR and no medicine.  She is 5.5 weeks early and I was on bed rest for 7.5 weeks before that. Even so, she is perfect and beautiful, with the most bright and wide eyes. Her head turns to the left, concentrating hard, when she hears her father's voice. She knows him! What a miracle! We are in awe!

1990 I feel God is guarding and shielding us from view. Then I go on my first weekend alone away from Robert and Kelly, who I believe is weaned, to a training session. On the ride home from Houston, my diesel truck is running out of gas. I wait too long for a station. I see a deserted looking gas station that is full service only, with a broken rusted sign that swings in the wind, beside the empty fields between Houston and College Station. I am feverish with mastitis and in pain. I a
m desperate. The man fills my tank with $5 worth of gas and almost immediately the truck begins to rattle and shake. I drive on in fear, praying for a gas station, or store... for anywhere I can call for help. A male voice inside my head begins urgently directing me, "Pull over!" "Pull over!" Finally, I can and I turn off the key and then once more, turn over the engine. "Get out of the car NOW!" the voice shouts. I do. My car is towed to College Station and the mechanic explains that the tank contained three gallons of regular gas and about a cup of diesel. They are different weights and the engine was pulling the remaining bits of diesel, mixed with gas, first. A diesel engine can't run on regular gas and when the diesel ran out, the engine would have exploded.  Later I search for the station that had made the mistake. It's not there and the corporate office say they've never had a station on that stretch of highway. I thank God for preserving my life!

2000 Robert is in ENT Residency and being singled out for terrible treatment by one female attending doctor. We have drifted apart, since his decision to leave Mathematics and go to medical school. I feel afraid and uncertain by the change and memories of childhood abuse begin to surface, making me a volatile and frightened wife. It hurts him. I work on healing my wounds, but my PTSD affects our relationship in tragic ways. He urges me to quit therapy, since it is only making me worse. I pull away from him, feeling I can't trust him any more. I also know I can't live with the intensity of the pain I am in and I search for a cure.  I go to EMDR without his knowledge and habits born of abuse slip away, as my memories are healed. I begin to feel more loving towards him, when we move to Missouri, and I find myself wanting my husband's love and attention back. Maybe he senses that. He is so very angry and unhappy that he leaves for about 3 or 4 months, saying that when he looks at me, he feels nothing but anger. God uses that time to heal my heart and help me to honestly look at our relationship and what I have done to injure it. I ask for forgiveness by letter, since I never see Robert face to face. I pray that the great anger in his heart will one day melt away when he sees me...that God will do a cleansing miracle in his heart....but of course, Robert makes sure to pick up Kelly, when I am not present!

While Robert is gone, I am soaked in prayer, by a charismatic prayer group, and by a prayer warrior, who is my client at Boone County Council on Aging.  Robert makes arrangements to pick up all his things and I sort them in the garage. He doesn't show. "Well baby, maybe he wants to come home," my prayer warrior says. "No...I don't think so," I reply, sadly.  I believe my husband is not coming back and I want to start life fresh, and clean, with no bitterness or pain. Finally, one night, I spend about 5 hours in prayer, releasing every hurt that I need to lay down and forgiving Robert completely...starting with the big wounds, and ending with his socks left on the floor, which doesn't really bother me!  I feel a lightness and a bright presence with me in the room, as I lay my burdens down. I am ready for my new life! The next night, Robert calls and asks if he can come and watch a movie and he tells me the sunset is beautiful and that I should go see it. I am cautious but agree. I take the dog out for a walk. He sees me in the distance and when he does, he says that all the anger he has been harboring, just slips away. We walk together then, and he asks if he can stay. "Do you mean, for the night?" "No. Can I stay forever?"  "I'm not sure..." I reply tentatively. But he does stay.  God does another miracle and we begin again, more loving and grateful for each other, than ever before.

2001 Dillon is conceived through much prayer. What a blessed pregnancy it is. I feel like Mary carrying the baby Jesus! Just so completely blessed! I know the Lord is with us! My prayer group and prayer warrior soak us in prayer again, as pre-term contractions begin at about 17 weeks gestation. The Saturday of his birth, is five weeks early and 10 days after 911,  Dillon is in fetal distress and a medical student stands at the foot of my bed, praying. I feel a calmness at his presence there. He is given the privilege of delivering Dillon, when he is born. Dillon is a very sick baby, with a PDA, a heart valve, that hasn't closed and also with viral pneumonia. He has bubbles coming out of his little mouth, when I try to nurse him, and his lips and fingers are blue. They schedule him for heart surgery the next afternoon and Robert asks the church to pray with him that Sunday morning for the valve to close. The doctors cancel the surgery around 11 am. It closes!  But Dillon is still sick, and doesn't move or cry and we don't even know the color of his eyes! The nurse says that a baby with compromised lungs like this may be in the hospital for 2 or 3 months. They send me home, without our baby. But after 10 days, and access to my breast milk, Dillon becomes well enough to breathe on his own and to come home to us! As a small child, he has an extraordinary wisdom and calmness. He is often confused about family, as he believes everyone....all the people around us, are our family. God's family!

So many miracles and such a long post! There are many many more times God has blessed us with miracles, in the years since 2001, but I think they will have to wait for another time. I know these things sound perhaps, a bit crazy, and maybe unbelievable, but God is so very, very real and so very, very good. I suspect there are countless miracles in your life that you may not even know about!  I share these, first to remind myself of His goodness and secondly, to encourage you to BELIEVE and to ask the Lord for help, in your times of trouble. He is so very, very faithful, if we will just reach out for Him and make Him the Lord of our lives! Finally, I share them to give HIM the Glory! I have been too shy for too long to speak boldly about God's great miracles and it is time to proclaim from the rooftops the Greatness of our God!